Please Don’t Go

It had been one hell of a day. A day Marty Deeks thought couldn’t possibly get any worse but four little words had sent him reeling. He felt as if he had been hit in the chest again and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it this time.
The day had started out simple enough but had gone downhill quickly. They had been in the bullpen discussing nothing and everything at the same time when Deeks noticed that Kensi wasn’t chiming in with her two cents worth.
“You okay Kens?” he asked when he didn’t receive her obligatory eye roll after his last innuendo had been lobbed in her direction.
“I’m fine,” she answered stiffly.
He let it go but when Sam and Callen left to go to the gym he got up and walked to her desk.
“Come on Kens, what’s wrong? I’ve made half a dozen comments this morning that should have sent you over the edge and you haven’t glared at me once. Spill it.”
“Deeks. Just drop it. I’m fine.”
“Obviously you’re not. I mean yes, you are clearly fine looking but…”
She looked up and glared at him but made no reply.
“There’s my girl,” he said grinning.
“Don’t call me that,” she said agitated.
“What? I mean you’re my partner who happens to be a girl so it stands to reason that you’re ‘my girl’. Sam and Callen can’t say that about their partners.”
She looked up at him and he could tell something was definitely wrong but he couldn’t quite get a handle on what it might be. He prided himself on being able to read her better than anyone else but this time he was at a loss.
“I’m not your girl. I’m your partner,” she said quietly as she got up and walked out of the bullpen.
He started to follow her but decided against it. Maybe she just needed some space. He would find out what was bugging her before the end of the day even if he had to make her angry to do it. He was the one person who could get Kensi to talk but sometimes he had to resort to extreme measures to do so.
An hour later they were called up for a case. They spent the entire day chasing down leads and interviewing witnesses which left no time to talk about anything but evidence and motives. She had remained distant and he couldn’t help but feel as if she was upset with him for something. He had thought through all of the possible things he might have done but came up with nothing out of the ordinary. Everything had been ‘normal’ as far as he was concerned.
The case finally broke when Eric located the vehicle of the suspect parked at a warehouse near three other cars. They gathered the assault rifles, donned bullet proof vests and headed to the address they had been given.
They were aware that there were several people inside and hoped to resolve the situation peacefully but as soon as they identified themselves, the bullets started flying.
He and Kensi were crouched behind several crates and were doing their best to take out the bad guys without getting their heads blown off.
Callen and Sam had entered from the back and were doing the same. After about fifteen minutes, there were seven guys either dead or wounded and the gunshots had stopped. Deeks heard Sam shout “Clear” from the back of the building as he and Kensi were checking behind nearby stacks to make sure they were clear as well.
As they were about to check out the last stack of crates, they were caught by surprise when an injured man jumped out from behind them and raised his gun, pointing it at Kensi’s head. Deeks didn’t think, he just reacted. He raised his gun and fired and at the same time he leapt in front of Kensi. The gunman went down but so did he.
The force from the shot knocked him backward into Kensi and they both fell on the floor in a heap.
“Deeks! Deeks! Oh my God!” she shouted as he had laid there in the floor not moving. He could hear her but his body seemed to be in a state of limbo. He couldn’t move and couldn’t breathe.
After what seemed like an eternity, he was finally able to get a bit of air into his lungs but his chest was on fire. He opened his eyes to find himself lying in Kensi’s lap with one of her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her other hand was lying softly on his chest.
She was gently rocking him and the look of fear in her eyes when he was finally able to focus on them was unmistakable.
“Hey… Partner,” he managed to choke out in hopes of calming her down.
“What the hell did you think you were doing?” she asked angrily but the look in her eyes was anything but angry.
“I was… I was doing… my job,” he whispered as another sharp pain tore through his upper body. He couldn’t help but wince and she moved her hand to his jaw and began gently brushing his cheek.
If he hadn’t been in so much pain he might have made some sort of inappropriate comment about her wanting him but he didn’t have the breath or the desire at the moment. Despite the pain, he couldn’t help but relish her closeness and the fact that she obviously cared enough to be extremely worried about his well being. He continued to look into her beautiful mismatched eyes and the feelings he had been trying to push to the back of his mind came rushing back at him. All he wanted to do was kiss her and comfort her.
“Getting yourself killed is not your job you idiot!” she cried as a tear slipped down her cheek.
He tried to reach up and wipe it away but when he moved his arm another sharp pain shot through him and he dropped his arm to the floor.
“Deeks!” she cried out.
“I’m okay Kens… the vest… stopped it… I’m… just sore,” he managed to rasp.
Sam and Callen were busy checking bodies and handcuffing the ones who were still alive. Ambulances had been called and sirens could already be heard in the distance.
Kensi continued to hold him and he continued to let her. As the ambulances drew nearer she whispered, “Please don’t ever do that again. I can’t… I can’t lose you Deeks.”
This time when the tears appeared on her cheeks, he forced his arm to move and gently wiped them away with his thumb. “I’m right here Kens. I’m not… going anywhere.”
Callen and Sam were finally able to come over to check on him about the time the ambulances arrived. He wasn’t sure if they had witnessed the moment between him and Kensi or not but he didn’t really care if they had. He needed to reassure her and nothing else mattered.
The paramedics arrived and he was immediately sorry that she had to move away and let him go. They began the painful process of removing his vest and he found himself crying out her name. She was instantly back at his side and had grabbed his hand tightly. As they removed his shirt, he heard her gasp when she saw the massive, already darkening bruise caused by the impact of the bullet.
They checked his vitals and poked and prodded for half an hour. They eventually wrapped his chest and anchored an ice pack over the area then told him to take some pain medication and go home to rest. They also gave him a list of things to watch for and told him to go to the emergency room if any of them were to happen.
Kensi and Sam helped him walk to her car and she drove them back to Ops. She had wanted to take him directly home but he insisted on picking up his car and driving himself home. He wanted her to realize he was going to be okay which meant he couldn’t allow her to pamper him even though he wanted nothing more than for her to stay with him.
They arrived at the Mission and he insisted on walking without help. He sat gingerly in his chair as he quietly gathered his things. He felt Kensi’s eyes on him but was afraid to look at her. His emotions were still raw and there was no way he could hide them from her.
“You want me to pick you up in the morning?” she asked tentatively.
“No. I’m good.”
She sighed and walked over to his desk. “Fine, you call me if you need anything. I can be there… fairly quickly.”
He grinned and teased, “You must have big plans for the evening if you aren’t sure you could get there in like five minutes. It’s not like you live across town.”
She ducked her head and said softly, “Actually… I have a date.”
His eyes shot up to look at her and he felt all the air go out of his lungs as if he had been shot in the chest a second time. “A what?” he said shocked, not believing he had actually heard her say those four offending words.
“A date. You know, that thing you do sometimes with other women,” she said testily.
He was stunned and absolutely speechless. It was his own damn fault. He had been content to leave their ‘thing’ as it was and had never even bothered to talk to her about it. He assumed she hadn’t been dating since he hadn’t and the pain of knowing she was about to go out with another man was more incapacitating than that of the gun shot.
He finally found his voice and said softly, “Good night Kens.” He got up and walked as quickly as he was able to his car. He had to get away. The pain in his chest was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.
______________________________________________________
Now he lay sprawled on his couch sipping his beer as his eyes looked toward his TV. He had no idea what he was watching and the turmoil in his head had long since drowned out the voices on the screen.
‘How could he have been so stupid?’ He should have known she wouldn’t wait around for him forever. He had been so worried about scaring her away by pushing too hard that he had just let her be. Let them be as they had always been. All jokes and banter and very little action. Now he was second guessing whether or not she had ever felt anything toward him other than friendship.
He closed his eyes and tried to recall the look on her face earlier today when she thought he had been really shot. Before he could conjure it up it was replaced by images of her smiling… at some other guy. He quickly opened his eyes and downed the last of his beer. He was thinking about getting up to get another one when he heard a knock on his door.
It was probably his neighbor Mrs. Rhodes bringing Monty home. She had kept him sometimes when he was away on long assignments but since he had been with NCIS, the extended missions had been few and far between. She had missed the little guy and had asked if he could visit from time to time. Deeks usually took him over at least once a week to spend the day with her.
He dragged himself up from the couch and shuffled over to the door. He didn’t even bother to look through the peephole before opening it. The look of shock on his face must have been apparent as he stood gaping at Kensi. She was clad in a simple dark blue sundress with modest heels and seemed embarrassed to be standing at his door.
“Hey,” she said awkwardly.
“What are you doing here Kensi? I thought you had a date,” he said flatly.
“I do, I just… I just wanted to stop by and check on you first.”
“Well I’m fine so don’t let me keep you from…” he started but wasn’t able to finish when she interrupted.
“I need to make sure,” she said as she pushed past him and walked inside his apartment.
He closed the door and turned to face her. “Really Kens, I’m fine.” The pain in his heart escalated as he realized the beautiful woman standing in his living room would never be his. As much as he had come to think of her in that way, the revelation of how untrue it had been was staggering.
She walked to him and reached for the top button of his shirt. “May I?” she asked softly looking into his tired eyes.
He didn’t answer and she took it as a yes. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it open to reveal the stretchy bandage they had used to hold the ice pack in place.
His heart was racing and his breath caught in his throat at her nearness and the fact that she was basically undressing him.
She placed her hand over the bulge of the pack and noticed that it was warm. “This isn’t helping any more Deeks. You need a fresh one.” She took his hand and gently pulled him to the couch then directed him to sit down.
He did so willingly and watched as she went to his freezer and pulled out a spare ice pack. She returned and dropped to her knees in front of him. She gently pushed his shirt off his shoulders then began to gently unwrap the bandage.
His eyes never left her face as she worked to removed the pack. She couldn’t help the gasp that escaped when she finally unwound the last bit of the material. She reached up and gently placed her hand over the dark purple and black area then looked up at him.
“Why did you do that?” she whispered.
He closed his eyes and contemplated his answer. The warmth of her hand on his bare skin was muddling his brain. If he told her the truth she would probably get angry and storm out. If he lied she would see right through it and still be angry. He finally decided he had already lost the battle so whatever he told her would ultimately be pointless.
“I told you, I was doing my job,” he finally answered as he opened his eyes and looked into her troubled ones.
“Don’t! Just don’t!” she said raising her voice slightly. “No one told you to take a bullet for me and they certainly didn’t tell you it was part of your job description!”
He sighed and reached up to place his hand on top of hers on his chest. “My job is to have your back and that’s what I was doing today. No one told me I had to do that. Hell, I didn’t even think about whether or not I should do it. I just did it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.”
She looked at both of their hands placed over his heart and seemed to struggle to find her voice. She looked back up at him and said softly, “You could have died.”
Again he blurted out what was on his mind before he thought it through, “I would die for you Kens.”
The look in her eyes was one of confusion but also of shock and something else he couldn’t quite place. They continued to stare into each other’s eyes until she finally looked away. He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless but reality came crashing down on him as he remembered she was on her way to meet her date.
He reluctantly dropped his hand to his lap and tore his eyes away from her face. He was torturing himself he knew but he deserved it. He had let her go and he deserved to be miserable. Somehow he knew he would never get over it. He was in love with her and he picked a hell of a time to finally admit it to himself. He was tired of pretending. Tired of pretending he didn’t feel the way he did for his partner and tired of pretending it would ever go away.
She grimaced as she removed her hand from his chest and again saw the huge angry bruise over his heart. She leaned forward slowly and placed a tender kiss on the wound then looked back up at him.
His heart did flip flops as she placed the kiss and he heard her whisper, “I would die for you too Marty.”
She picked up the bandage and fresh ice pack and began to slowly and carefully wrap it securely to him. His brain was having trouble sorting through his raging emotions and her conflicting signals. He continued to watch her and marvel at the softness of her hands and the way she was so careful not to hurt him.
When she finished, she backed away slightly and said, “I guess I should go.”
His disappointment was evident and he didn’t bother to try to hide it. He was tired but most of all, he was heartbroken.
She stood to go and he followed her to the door. As she opened it she turned to him and said softly, “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
He nodded and said, “I’ll be fine.”
As she was about to walk out he said, “Thanks Kens.”
She stepped back and smiled, “Just making sure you’re taking care of yourself.”
He tried to stop it from leaving his lips but it came unbidden. His heart overruled his head and it was so quiet she almost didn’t hear it.
“Please don’t go,” he said under his breath.
She turned back to him and closed the door, “What did you say?”
He wanted to kick himself for blurting it out but at the same time he wanted her to know he was sorry for not talking about their ‘thing’ before it was too late.
“I said, please don’t go.” His voice was only slightly louder the second time but he was sure she had heard him. He watched the emotions flit across her features and held his breath as he waited for her to respond.
“Why don’t you want me to go?” she asked as she took a step closer.
‘Now what? What could he tell her that wouldn’t ruin everything?’ He could joke and say that she shouldn’t bother with a first date when she knew there wouldn’t be a second but then he realized that maybe this wasn’t their first date. ‘What if this was the second or even the fifth? What if she was truly serious about this guy?’
The thought of her being involved with someone else caused him to do something he never would have done if he had been thinking rationally. The combination of pain killers and a broken heart caused all rational thought to disintegrate. If he had thought it through, he would have realized she couldn’t be involved with anyone yet. They spent a good deal of their spare time together and he would have known if she had been preoccupied with something. But the fear of truly losing her to another man motivated him to take a chance and resort to drastic measures.
He closed the gap between them and placed his hands on each side of her face. He lowered his head and gently brushed her lips with his. When she didn’t pull away, he kissed her tenderly, trying to show her exactly why he didn’t want her to go, without words.
He felt her return the kiss and he couldn’t help the feelings washing over him. Her lips were soft and sweet and his head was spinning. He couldn’t control his trembling limbs when he felt a shiver ripple through her.
He deepened the kiss and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. He paused long enough to take a breath then dipped his head and kissed her again. The feel of her in his arms and the intimacy of the kiss overwhelmed him. He reveled in the moment and never wanted it to end.
She was the one who eventually pulled back to look into his eyes. Her hand moved to his jaw as his arms moved to circle her back.
“What was that for?” she said breathlessly. “I mean, why did you do that… today?”
He reached up to cup her cheek and whispered, “I should have done it a long time ago. I don’t want you to go meet that guy… I don’t want to lose you Kens.”
He kissed her again, his heart was pounding wildly. Every dream he had ever had about kissing her hadn’t come close to the real thing. He pulled her close, ignoring the pain in his chest. It felt so perfect and so… right. He reluctantly pulled back and touched his forehead to hers.
“So, does this mean there really is a ‘thing’?” she asked grinning.
He smiled and brushed his fingers through her hair then said, “No, there is no ‘thing’. This is now officially a relationship.”
She leaned in and kissed him passionately and he felt as if he might melt right there. Mere words couldn’t describe the way she made him feel.
They held each other for several minutes and he finally asked, “So umm… Do you need to call someone? I mean I’m assuming you’re not… umm I mean I’m hoping you’re not… Please stay.”
She smiled and replied, “I cancelled my date on my way over here.”
“Really? Why?” he asked surprised.
“I’m not sure. I got in my car to go meet him and before I knew it I was almost here.”
His smile grew wider, “Must have been a second date?”
She replied, “No, it was a first. I didn’t really want to go but for some reason I said yes when he asked this morning at the coffee shop. I don’t really know why.”
He took her hand and led her to the couch. They sat down and he pulled her close. “It doesn’t matter why. All that matters is that you’re here now… with me.” He leaned in and placed a kiss to her forehead.
“And I won’t ever let you go.”

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