Kensi & Deeks

They were only half way through the week, but it felt like they had worked a week. The half filled pitcher of warm beer lay forgotten between Kensi and Deeks. They had been at their favorite pub for over an hour discussing everything from jobs to sports. Their conversation had finally waned and they sat across from each other, avoiding eye contact, and searching for more neutral conversation. A pall of uncomfortable silence enveloped them.
It had been this way for many months ever since Deeks had accidently acknowledged that there was a ‘thing’ during a stakeout. Kensi, shocked, had questioned it then, but Deeks had been unable to sidestep the subject and suggested that they discuss it over drinks. Prior to that Deeks had been denying that there even was a ‘thing.’ Now after many opportunities the time, so it seemed, had finally come. It was during quiet times like this, away from work, that the subject came close to the surface. Both of them unable or too afraid to breach the subject. Now, many opportunities later, there still had been no admission from either of them nor any further discussion about this undefinable ‘thing’ that had been steadily growing in their relationship.
In the past, they had used this awkward pause in their conversation to end their visit and head off to their respective homes each wondering when they would be brave enough to finally breach the subject of the ‘thing’.
Kensi decided to breach the subject now. She took a slow, deep breath and looked out at the people in the pub. She brought her attention back to Deeks and leaned over the table. Deeks looked from his empty beer glass to Kensi. Her eyes intense, her expression serious. “So, what about this ‘thing?’” There it was. It was no longer hidden or unspoken it was out there. Out there to address, not said in passing, not said accidently, but said clearly and deliberately.
Deeks, taken completely off guard, “what are you talking about?”
“Deeks, don’t. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Deeks shrugged, “What about it?” He looked away, clearly uncomfortable, trying to focus on something other than Kensi or the subject.
“Look at me.” She waited patiently hoping that he would turn back to her instead of mumbling an excuse and got out of their as fast as he could. When he finally looked at her she said, “We need to talk about this. We need to confront it or let it go. I’m willing to say I don’t want to let it go . . . . at least not yet.”
Kensi took his hand from across the table. “I think we should talk about it. Get it out in the open. I need to know where I stand. I don’t want to keep wondering. I care a lot about you. You’re my partner and my friend. A good friend, someone I can count on.”
He was surprised. He was shocked that she could be so open, so honest. She was usually so guarded when it came to her feelings her emotions. He was, too. He had always kept to himself. Preferring to cope with everyday obstacles with his comedic side. He could always come up with a quick joke or comment. It was easier that way. He had a serious side, but he always went for the lighter stuff first rather than the heavier stuff. Being too serious could take him down a road he didn’t want to travel. Memories he’s rather forget. He’d had enough of serious during his childhood and teens. He liked it light, but maybe it was time to face this ‘thing’, maybe it was time to get serious. It wouldn’t be easy, but now that Kensi had opened the line of communication he didn’t want to shut it down. They’d known each other for a while. He trusted her with his life, maybe it was time he trusted her with his feelings. He decided he would be honest. “Kensi, I’m afraid.”
“Me, too.”
“What we have is awesome. I don’t want to lose it.”
“Neither do I.”
“Yeah, but Kensi, wonder if this ‘thing’ doesn’t work out?”
She let the question hang in the air for a few seconds. “You’re right, neither one of us has a good track record when it comes to commitment.”
“Hey, speak for yourself.”
“Look Deeks you never, ever talk about your girl friends so it means one of two things. Either you don’t have one or you have many. Either way, that doesn’t scream commitment.”
Kensi let go of his hand and pulled back.“If it doesn’t work out, we just go back to what we have now.”
“Do you really think we could do that? Wouldn’t our partnership suffer from the fall out of this ‘thing’? I don’t think I want to risk it. What we have now is great.”
“You’re right, what we have now is great, but I want to take the chance. I don’t want life to pass me by just because I’m afraid.”
Deeks looked at her with admiration. “Okay, but we have to start off slow. We can start by going out. See if we like each other outside of work.”
Kensi smiled, “I agree with that. We’ll take it slow. —– So now what?”
“Well, how about we do something this Saturday? We can go biking or head out to Malibu Creek State Park for some rock climbing.”
“I’d rather go rock climbing if you don’t mind. I’ve never been out to the state park. Do you want me to pick you up? Or we can meet somewhere.”
“No, no, I’ll pick you up. Say about 9?”
“That works for me.”

Deeks rolls out of bed Saturday morning and looks at the clock, 8:30. “Holy crap, I thought I reset the alarm last night!” He quickly showered, dressed, grabbed a granola bar, threw a few necessities into his backpack and ran out the door. He didn’t want to be late.
Kensi looks at her watch, “it’s 9:10, where is Deeks?” They hadn’t talked about this outing the rest of the week at work and they certainly had told anyone there. She hoped he hadn’t forgotten. That would be terrible. That would certainly indicate where his heart was. The thought of calling him escaped her mind as soon as she thinks it. “Noooo . . . that would not be a good idea,” she says out loud. She had been up for hours anxious about this first date, wanting to make sure she looked the part not too overdressed or underdressed. Date? That was strange to say. Knowing him he had probably overslept. She went over her checklist one more time: water, change of clothes, bathing suit (just in case), snacks. Just then there’s a knock at the door.
Kensi opened the door and found Deeks looking as though he has just gotten out of bed. Deeks looks her up and down and thinks that he has never seen Kensi looking so nervous. Even when they are taking gunfire or fighting with a bad guy has he ever seen Kensi looking this afraid. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“It’s just you look . . . . never mind. Sorry I’m late, I um . . . got hung up.” He hadn’t wanted to tell her that he had overslept. That would make him appear irresponsible or worse yet not nervous about this first date. Date? That was strange to say.
“That’s okay, I was just going over my checklist one last time to make sure I have everything. Do you want some coffee before we head out?”
“No thanks, if it’s okay with you we can grab a coffee on the way to the Park.”
“Sounds good.”

Driving back to Kensi’s apartment the car was quiet. Awkward once again. Just before pulling up to Kensi’s place Deeks said, “I had a great time Kensi, we’ll have to do it again.”
“I’d like that.” A little hesitant, unsure, “Do you want to come up, we can order a pizza and I have some beer in the frig.”
Deeks, unsure himself, “Sounds good, but right now all I want is a shower. Why don’t I come back in about an hour?”
“Alright, that will give me a chance to clean up, too.”
He stopped the car and waited for Kensi to get out. Before she did she leaned over, looked Deeks right in the eyes and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. She smiled and whispered, “See you in an hour.”

Deeks stood in the shower letting the warm water rain down over his head and onto his sore muscles debating on whether or not to take this ‘thing’ with Kensi to the next level if there was another level. He was a little concerned about crossing the line into professional misconduct. As much as he hated to bring it up to Kensi he thought he should. The kiss that she gave him when he dropped her off certainly suggested that she was willing to take this ‘thing’ a little further. He just wasn’t sure what he wanted. Yes, he was attracted to her, he’d been attracted to her from the first time they met at the MMA gym. Their relationship over the last two years had become comfortable and their flirting had been fun to say the least. This was different than his past relationships, this time he knew this woman as a friend. Hell, they had learned to trust each other, count on each other. None of his other relationships had started out like this. Maybe that’s why they had always failed. But what if this relationship failed, too? Would they be able to continue to work together, trust each other, depend on each other? Was it worth the risk? He was still unsure. He shook his head to rid his brain of all the doubts he was having, shut the water off, and proceeded to dry off and get dressed. I’m probably over thinking this he said to himself, in any case, I need to respect the pace this ‘thing’ is taking and take it slow.

Kensi was smiling, she was overjoyed. She couldn’t stop from smiling. She had actually kissed him, wanted to kiss him, intentionally kissed him. It wasn’t a cover kiss this time like at Polina and Brett’s, it was a real planned kiss. And he had kissed her back. It wasn’t some deep, slow, wet kiss, but it was a start. She’d had a great time with Deeks . . . Marty. She wondered, could she ever call him Marty? Stop she told herself. She was getting way too far ahead of herself. Don’t rush, don’t push she told herself. That’s what she always did. She needed to not need so much. Take it a day at a time, even a moment at a time. Today had been great, she had told him that and he had agreed. Was he lying? No, no, why would he lie? And the fact that he was coming back for dinner said something. Didn’t it? Yes, it said that he had a great time and he liked your company so he’s coming back to be with you more. Kensi’s smile faded . . . . maybe he’s coming back to tell her he didn’t think this was a good idea. That would be horrible especially after having such a great day. She allowed a darker cloud to drift into her mind the dark cloud of failure: failure to hold on to a relationship, failure to trust. Stop thinking she told herself and proceeded to get ready for an evening she predicted would be the continuation of a great day. Whatever I do I need to respect the pace this ‘thing’ is taking and take it slow.

Kensi opened the door just seconds after his first knock. Now, both of them, looking refreshed and relaxed, they could begin the second part of their day together. “Hey, you came back.”
“Of course I came back, why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, I thought I may have scared you off with that kiss.”
“As you can see you didn’t scare me off.”
“I’m glad. You want to order the pizza? Cheese and pepperoni works for me. Here’s the number”
“Okay.” Deeks took the number and called in the order. Kensi meanwhile went into the kitchen and brought out two beers.
“They said they’ll deliver, 30 minutes.”
“You want to watch TV or how about some music?”
“Do you have something other than techno music?” Deeks chuckled.
“I do.”
“Then music would be nice.”
They sat at opposite ends of the couch and this time enjoying the quiet moment between them and the soft music playing in the background. Stretching out his arms Deeks finally broke the silence, “That was a bit of a workout today, huh?”.
“It was good. I’ve never been out to Malibu State Park. Do you go there often?”
“There are 4 different areas I go to if I want to rock climb, I go to a different one each time. Today, it just happened to be Malibu.”
The awkward silence appeared again. It always seemed to raise its ugly head whenever one or the other could feel that the ‘thing’ was going to be brought up. They always had plenty of things to talk about when they were at work or even today at the Park? But get a quiet moment, like now, and both of them clammed up. Nothing to talk about, but the silence said everything. They were both still uncomfortable about this damn ‘thing.’
Deeks moved over to Kensi on the couch, put his beer down, and looked at her. She was expecting him to crack some sort of joke or say something dumb, but instead he slowly leaned into her and kissed her softly. He pulled back and looked at her. “I really enjoyed today, do you want to do something again next weekend?”
Kensi was quiet. She put her beer down, took Deeks’ face in her hands and kissed him with a bit more intensity. “I’d like that.”
They kissed again, longer and deeper. They were becoming more and more comfortable with each other with each passing kiss. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. A familiar knock with a distinctive rhythm. A knock from Kensi’s past. Kensi drew away from Deeks and gazed at him with a look of complete disbelief. She slowly brought her hand up toward Deeks face and slowly glided her finger gently across Deeks’ bottom lip thinking of what could have been. She knows with that knock things will change.
Deeks sensing Kensi’s sudden change in behavior says, “What’s the matter, it’s only the pizza guy.” He starts to get up off the couch to go open the door, “Good thing, too, I’m starving.”
Kensi grabs his hand and pulls him back to the couch. No, Deeks. I’ll get the door. And I want you to know I had a fantastic time today and whatever happens from now on,” she pauses, “I’m sorry.”
Deeks is confused he doesn’t know what has just happened. “What do you mean?”
She knows this is going to be terrible, so many emotions going through her she’s not sure she can even make it to the door. She gets up from the couch and regretfully walks over to the door. Conflicting emotions welling up inside her. “It’s not the pizza guy, Deeks,” she finally says, opening the door, “it’s Jack.”

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